I'm so blessed to have people in my life that came straight from the Hand of PAPA DIEU. One of them is you. You have no idea about the awesome E-mail Greeting you sent, meant to me. That greeting for me meant that I am in "still" in "connection" with PAPA DIEU. HE did not forget me that HE chose you to send it to me, as a reassurance that "HE is still with me." I feel now is the time for me to tell you about my DAISY story that is in my life and that you added to it also with your E-mail Greeting.
Here is when and how it started. In the winter of early 1996, I went to a week of "RETREAT IN SILENCE" that was given at Le Cénacle in Rivière-du-Loup. The retreat was starting at 7 PM on Sunday evening and was ending on Saturday afternoon. The Sunday of my arrival it was only 4 PM and I had already started to cry because the summer before I had registered for that retreat when it was to be given and I had asked then if I could have a single bed room, alone. I was told yes since I was one of the first to register. Then that Sunday's retreat I had to go in earlier because your dad was working nights, it was in the winter and he didn't want me to drive that far alone, to which I was thankful to God because I had prayed that your dad would drive me there. When I arrived and checked in I was given a room number and had gone up to that room to unpack. Entering the doorway I saw 2 beds in the room. I left my bags at the door and went downstairs to tell the Clerk (woman) that there must have been a mistake about the room she had given me, that when I had registered the summer before, that clerk had put my name for a single bed room.
Guess what the response was? "Madam, we have more than 60 individuals coming this week and that room you were given cannot be changed now. I'm not allowed to do that." So I persisted for her to look at the last years registration and she refused but went on telling me that what I was told then did not count. She continued saying "today is different because of the amount of people that registered". Again I persisted and said, "yes but the other 59 that are coming I'm sure did not register last summer like I had, and told they would definitively have a room like I was told I would have, for that is the only reason I had registered the summer before simply for having the choice of a room, like I had been told then. This is truly unfair." By then tears were coming out. I then decided I would leave and told her so. She replied "Leave or stay that doesn't change nothing, the room you have is the room you are to be in if you decide to stay." I then realized I could not leave because your dad was already gone, so I went back up and let the tears come out, crying mostly because I needed to be alone so much during that week so I could have a "good" retreat IN SILENCE which I had looked forward to for so long and I cried my heart out. The first session was starting at 7 PM and I wanted to be free of tears by then, and freshened up.
;I started to unpack crying all the time, when finished I sat on my bed and I was praying to PAPA DIEU, I needed HIS help so bad. While I'm praying this, I heard voices coming from the hallway, and who appears in the doorway, three elderly ladies who were looking for the room number on the door. I remember thinking and talking to God saying, "Oh please no Lord, please not an elderly lady, please." I remember feeling so ashamed for praying that way.
One lady was much older than the other two. The youngest one came in the room and saw that I was all unpacked, looking around the room she "tells" me; "we have our friend here with us because she really wanted to come, but, her health is frail and she needs to get up often during the night sometimes to go vomit, and she sometimes falls when she gets up from her bed. Can we count on you to keep an eye on her, besides; our room is right facing this one across the hallway. She is in her late 80's and she needs allot of attention. Can we count on you? You only have to yell out one of our names and we'll rush in here if she falls, or vomits on the floor, or if you don't feel comfortable to bring her to the bathroom."
She said all that in one breath, as to hurry to say what she needed to say before I give her my answer. When she was done she just stood there and waited for an answer. I didn't know what to say, I was in shock. I could not believe what I had just heard and what I was asked to do! I started to open my mouth to speak, but I was stuttering with "wh wh wh well yes, I guess so. Do you think I really can take care of her? She looks so frail and I don't want to hurt her."
Then the third lady spoke, and said to the one that had done all the talking and said; "Listen, we were designated to be together (pointing to the oldest lady) and I think it's not fair to ask this nice lady to care for our sick friend. You are supposed to be in this room with this lady and I'll take (naming the oldest lady) where we were told to go, just in case they need to call her and come in our room and she's not there, you know? Besides she won't be able to sleep with a stranger you know her! And I think we put this lady on the spot and she has no choice but to say yes to the demands that was asked of her."
Daughter, have you ever THANKED GOD WITH SWEAT ON YOUR BROW? I was dumbfounded and couldn't believe what had just occurred and the speed that was taken to leave an old woman at the mercy of a complete stranger. In my mind I started to PACK MY BAGS AND LEAVE, the plan had been set. But, the second lady won, but the youngest one was not too happy about it, but she didn't insult me or be mean to me. So she started to unpack her things, I left her and went to the ORATORY to go pray in SILENCE, and re-living what had gone on since the start of that day, what a mess it had been and even questioned if it was right for me to be in a retreat.
What had hurt me the most is that, I knew, somehow, what would happen to me, was that the retreat IN SILENCE with a roommate would NOT be OBSERVED, and it was NOT at all by her. I cried from Sunday afternoon until Wednesday afternoon almost non stop, not only because my roommate was conversing constantly, but also because of the room I was not assigned to, and the retreat's goings on that were touching me like a dart going right to the bull's eye, that went on until I went to a Reconciliation service that was on Wed. afternoon, and, "dished it all out to PAPA DIEU.
My "roommate's" name was Gisèle I had found that out Sunday afternoon. As you may know, my middle name is Gisèle, so, I thought, OK PAPA DIEU, YOU have something to tell me here and I don't understand what it is but, I'm stuck here until Saturday after lunch and YOU wanted me to be in this room, SPEAK, for Your servant is listening. Did I ever "listened". Gisèle never stopped talking, and we were told at every session, to respect the privacy of our roommate, and, to respect the rules of the week's, COMPLETE SILENCE even in the bathrooms, most especially in the bedrooms. Gisèle asked me everything a person wants to know about another. What was most disturbing to me was that she would tell me ahead of time what was coming next in the retreat because she had come to this retreat for the third time. Gisèle advised me what to wear one day because; we were going out for a Spiritual walk. But little did she know, was I ever a Happy Camper then for being able to pray in SILENCE!!!
Another thing that bothered me allot was, every time she would come in the room where I was there doing my daily prayers or reading what was given to us, she would open the door and say, "you're still praying? Don't you ever take free time for yourself? Why do you pray so much at your age, we see that in older women like (naming the oldest lady) you're too young to be cooped up in a room like this! Go take some fresh air, go walk; it will do you more good than being in this room all the time. On, and on she would go daily. She always had something to say about my praying or reading.
Then Thursday morning she dressed up and said, "dress UP today, its a very special day, full of surprise all day, I can't wait for tonight." She was ruining all the surprises for me because I was waiting for when something out of the ordinary would start. I cried and was very, very upset. I had been waiting for 15 years to be able to attend a retreat in complete SILENCE and I had not lived it yet.
By the way, the oldest lady? Poor her, she had vomited the first night, second night she got up too fast to rush to the bathroom fell and hurt herself enough that she was not allowed to go down the stairs. The third night she kept her friend up all night so the friend got sick. I knew allot being in my room constantly huh? Gisèle was the spokes person. I'm telling you she never respected my privacy at all. Not even when we were in bed and I was finally almost asleep, she'd come up with a subject to talk about. Like I said above, going to reconciliation helped because I needed to get that anger out of me so I could start to experience PAPA DIEU's healing(s) or whatever I was there for, that year, with that roommate to top it all.
Then to my surprise Thursday late morning we were told that after lunch we would be ALONE for a certain amount of time. All alone with GOD finally! Then tears came rushing out overwhelming me, I couldn't stop them from coming out. Yes I would be ALONE and that's when my week's retreat really started. At last my needs for "silence" would be respected.
We were assigned a place (area) to go to so we could be all alone, do whatever we felt like doing. We could sleep if the need aroused. Whatever we wanted to do was our free time, not to take our watches with us, " hide our alarm clocks" the nun added, we all laughed because we heard one lady said, "I'll bring my alarm clock in my pocket." The nun that presided had not heard her say that, but just as the lady was done saying that, the nun had added the watches. We told the nun why some of us were laughing and she said," Ahh, you can't hide nothing from the Spirit, can you?" She ended by saying that after a certain amount of time someone will come get us, not to listen to a bell. We were sent off.
I rushed to the bedroom to get a thick sweater, and I made a b-line out of the bedroom because Gisèle's designated room was our bedroom. And I didn't want her to start to talk to me, or tell me what was going to happen next. I put my alarm clock, and watch under my pillow so Gisèle wouldn't scold me for leaving the clock so she would know the time it was. I rushed to my designated place to be alone, at long last.
From here on, I will explain the reason for the "flowers in your E-mail Greeting" that touched me to the point of sharing this story with you.
The room I was assigned to was in the nun's -who presided- bedroom. That touched me because she had received a miraculous bodily healing and I thought that the room would bring me, maybe, much closer to PAPA DIEU Who had healed the person in that room, and, maybe could again but that time, me. I entered that room and I started to cry because I suddenly realized that I was finally alone, it felt so good, yet I felt sad, mad, guilty, upset, and abused for what I had gone through up to that Special time alone. I still couldn't believe what had happened, and yet I had lived through it. So I told PAPA DIEU, "please help me not to focus on what had happened but on why I am here at this retreat". That's how I had to start my being finally alone attitude because I would have dwell-ed on all the mess and loose my whole retreat's free time.
There was an open Bible on a dresser, and it came in mind that I could start to focus on my needs, I went to put my finger on the open Bible's page and read where my finger landed. What I read was; (it is right that you are scolding the one who makes life unbearable for you. It is right to slap him, so as to reprimand him...). I forgot the French Bible's book name that the reading was in simply because that reading touched me so much that I had started to cry as I was reading it, and the French Bible's names are much different than English, also I'm not familiar enough in the French Books of the Bible's names. I remember though that it was in the Old Testament. I never could find the book or the verse(s) in English. It was meant for me to read (because of what your dad make me go through, or, I should say "what I let him do to me"), I was certain of it, because I started to cry as I remembered the reason why I was at that retreat for.
It was to understand why I had such a firm conviction that I had to stay with him even after knowing and living such abuse in that house that I tried so hard to make a home out of, and of what had gone through up till then. And the tears started to pour out as I was reading that I was doing what was right, reading it, right there in front of me, in the Bible confirmation that I was in the right, not the wrong evil person I was told time and time again that I am, and how wrong the husband was.
After a while of disbelief of the words I had read set in I sat down in the rocking chair and, I started to rock MY SELF and I continued telling all the feelings I had to PAPA DIEU crying like I never had before. I don't know why I was crying at times and so much so, to the point that my hands and arms had become numb. I really don't know why but PAPA DIEU was HEALING something in me that was excruciatingly painful. I cried for what seemed like 3 hours non stop, from the moment I had read the verse until I realized I was getting numb. At a certain point, I remember I was crying and talking out loud, as if someone was in the room with me, and I was telling my life's story. After the worst part of the crying was over I imagined placing myself into "the favorite place I place myself when in pain and or sad" sitting on PAPA DIEU's lap, my head resting on HIS CHEST, HIS ARMS surrounding me, and HE hushing me to "be still, now!" To just listen to HIS voice, just like a mother does when her child runs to her and is in tears (I have always placed myself in that position since I had made an AGAPYTHERAPY, at that same retreat house a year, or so before. I sit on HIS LAP, and I'm wrapped by HIS ARMS).
Being in that peaceful resting place the crying had stopped, just tears rolling down my face. My eyes closed and all of a sudden, in my mind's eyes, (i.e. like when you went on a beautiful vacation and your back home and you close your eyes and suddenly you envision a scene that had touched you on that vacation), I saw a DAISY a huge and beautiful plump yellow center and long white petals DAISY. That surprised me and asked, in a questioning tone "What does a daisy has to do with all the pain I'm going through?", "I come here for help and I see a daisy?", I asked PAPA DIEU, still having the feeling of being hushed and still seeing this daisy in front of me. But, all of a sudden, I remembered when I was a little girl I was using the traditional pulling the petals on a daisy to "tell" me if a boy loved me or not. So, here I am sitting on PAPA DIEU's lap and I think of doing that to know if your dad, loved me or not that very day of the retreat! In my mind's eyes I saw myself pulling one petal, mentally hearing myself say, "he loves me", pulling another "he loves me not"... That went on for quite a while. I all of a sudden felt like it was as if I wanted PAPA DIEU to tell me if your father loved me, or not. I kept pulling petals for a while getting anxious to see what the last petal would say. I remember asking PAPA DIEU what the last petal would be. This went on much too long for me and, I remember hoping the last petal to come out as 'he loves me'
Then to my surprise, I heard myself say out loud as I saw myself pulling one petal, he loves me, then when pulling the next petal, I heard myself saying "I love him". That had surprised me so much that I repeated the words I had just said "he loves me, I love him." "Why am I saying "I love him" instead of "he loves me"? I asked PAPA DIEU "That isn't right at all". I heard no words, in, or out of me, but there was a force in me that needed to continue saying "I love him". After what seemed hours of this pulling and never seeing the last petal, I started crying painful tears when I had to say "I love him" because I felt your dad did not (and still feels the same today). It was getting more, and more painful that I had to say "I love him", so I cried even more. Time passed extremely slow and I was feeling really let down by PAPA DIEU, and I told HIM that it wasn't fair for me to go through this pain all over again of having to say "I love him".
But all of a sudden after I was done complaining and was continuing my "yes/no love search, I realized that I was saying "I love you" while pulling a petal, instead of saying "I love him". That puzzled me, so I pulled another petal, and as real as you see these words you are reading, I heard "I love you."! That shook me to pure reality, an out of mind's eyes conversation for a petals answer. I suddenly realized I was in the nun's bedroom, sitting in the rocking chair. I stopped and listened attentively to the noise coming out in the room. I heard nothing. I closed my mind to the "noise" outside, placed myself back on HIS CHEST" to be able to continue to see the DAISY in my mind's eyes, I know I had heard a voice, and it was so clear as if coming from inside that room. To pursue my last petal search, I kept my eyes closed, the DAISY returned and still full with petals. By then I was being very careful as to hear what I was saying and said it out loud that time while I pulled a petal and voiced out, "I love you". As I pulled the next petal I heard a voice like it was coming from outside of my body, and I heard "I LOVE YOU" said in a softest tone of voice I have ever heard. I could feel that those words were said with real LOVE. I could just feel that LOVE. Tears came rushing out because I wanted what I had just heard to be real, not a "figment" of my imagination. Right away I pulled another petal and said "with all my heart to PAPA DIEU, "I LOVE YOU", then pulling the next petal I heard the words again, but this time it was in my heart, "I LOVE YOU TOO". Oh My God I told myself realizing that what I heard was real. IT WAS AND FELT SO REAL!
Let me tell you, I never pulled so many petals in all my life on one Daisy, and I never ran out of petals, and did I ever cry. Tears like a river ran out of me, tears of knowing that I was truly LOVED like I had never felt before. I just lost the sense of time because when I opened my eyes I was lying on the bed all cuddled up with an afghan over me. The afghan that was neatly folded on the foot of the bed that I had noticed when I had entered the room, because I had told myself, "good, if I'm cold I'll wrapped myself in the afghan. Lying there feeling like a new person, with tears in my eyes, not crying tears but tears that felt PEACE FULLY ENVELOPING ME, and the tears were those of pure JOY.
When I finally got up I felt light as a feather. Tons of pain and sorrow had just evaporated out of me. I Praised PAPA DIEU for what he had just healed in me. I rocked myself again but this time there were songs in my heart, not pain. I had truly been healed because nothing else but to LOVE GOD mattered to me then, right at that very moment in time. The colors of the room seemed brighter for some reason. And it was PEACEFUL. After a few minutes of rocking myself, I heard someone knocking on the door. They had come to get all those in the area where I was in. When I left that room I left everything that I had entered with. All the past was gone that instant, and I Thank PAPA DIEU that HE made me feels completely emptied of pain that day. I left to go to the gathering room and I don't remember too much after that because PEACE was surrounding me.
While leaving I heard someone say, "remember you're going back to the real world now." The rest of the week was still the same, worse from Gisèle, she now wanted to know how my time ALONE had been. She wanted my address and phone number, but gave her my address only. She was the same talkative person but worse now. The week ended with the group sharing about something that touched them during the week. I shared my DAISY time alone experience. The priest -who is in charge of all the events that are scheduled there-, said I was given a GREAT GRACE. I laughed and said, "Believe me father I know". We all laughed and that ended the session and we went to have our lunch and then we all went back "in the real world".
~ This is the end of My DAISY story part 1 ~